hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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