Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Life without a bra equals bliss.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
