Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
