Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
