Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
