allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Be still, my beating vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
