Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
