He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
