we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
