Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
