my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
