I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
