I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
