nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
