When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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