so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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