I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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