My first STD was from a foam party
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
