I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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