You made me cry and you don't even care
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
