I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
