i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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