Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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