someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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