Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
