He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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