I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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