Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
