i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
