Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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