Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i've created a new STD.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
