you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
