i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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