Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
