so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
