Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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