Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
