Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
