Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
love makes seman taste better
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
