Pants 0. Shit 1.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
