You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
