my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
