At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
