So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
