I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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