as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
