yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize