I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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