I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
