I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
