Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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