I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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