fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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