dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
