I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
