There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
